Dear celebrity and/or non-entity,

It has been brought to my attention that because you've appeared in Heat magazine you felt compelled to write your life story. Or possibly you've married somebody famous or discarded your clothes on Big Brother (why bother?). Whatever - if you're below the age of 40 and have no discernible talent then stop wasting precious shelf space! You do NOT qualify for an auto-biography. In fact, it's dubious whether it could be called that because I'm sure you couldn't string a sentence together to write it yourself.

Coleen Mclaughlin - because your boyfriend plays football you've acquired celebrity status and are renowned for your shopping 'skills'. Granted, you appear to care deeply for your sister and i'm sure you do some charity work, but you've barely turned 21! Scarcely into adulthood! What the hell do you have to say in a book about your life?

Chantelle - somebody actually had the tenacity...no, scrap that, you won't understand...the time to waste on writing your biography? Let's get this straight. You appear on celebrity big brother despite not being a celebrity. You pout and flick your straw hair. You marry an entertainer (singer? musician? all dubitable) and within a year you're divorced. Your talents are...erm...leave it with me...

Katie Price/Jordan - you really know how to milk the sour cow of celebrity. TWO AUTOBIOGRAPHIES? TWO?!! Ye of the over-inflated breasts and ego. Yes, you with the boobs. That's all you'll be known for. You tried your hand at singing but the whole new world withered. Your 'chat show' can only be called such when placed in inverted commas. The sad thing is that little girls look up to the glitz that your glamour lifestyle has provided. To read about your sexual exploits and derogatory comments concerning ex-bed-companions is to waste precious time. You've proved to have an astute business sense - you know that sex sells - but that doesn't mean you QUALIFY to write TWO autobiographies.

I could go on. We live in a society where fame comes (and goes) easily. To be famous does not equate to having a talent or skill. Reality TV shows have fuelled this synthetic vanity and have much to answer for.

I'm currently reading 'The Death and Life of Sylvia Plath'. The wife of the poet Ted Hughes, Sylvia was a depressive but gifted writer whose short life was ended by the very hands that earned her fame and fortune. I've read Nelson Mandela's autobiography too...now HE has one heck of a story to tell. Take note, non-entities.

Heather